It’s Only Money… But Not Really

I’ve been waking up at 5 a.m., sometimes even earlier.

Old thoughts I thought I’d resolved, memories that still have sharp, jagged edges, have been  jolting me upright the moment my eyes open.

Going back to sleep is a non-starter.

So, I’ve been doing what I know to do to feel better: journaling in the dark, sipping tea, asking  the big questions about how to resolve this shitty memory, a past event that is over now, that’s  been waking me up…

so that I can have peace and get a better night’s sleep.

And no matter what I do, nothing is coming. Nothing.

This is about a chapter in my life that includes family, money, and a promise made to my Dad that was broken.

The details don’t matter here. What matters is the emotional impact of that betrayal by someone I  loved, the painful truth that they didn’t love me back, and the heartbreak of watching my father’s  final wishes be ignored and disrespected.

My logical brain keeps going round and round trying to figure out how to fix this. To somehow  have control over a situation that cannot be changed. Which is driving me bat-shit-crazy.

In reality, the only thing I have control over now is how I choose to respond or react to this.

Ultimately, I want freedom, and I want my inner peace back.

But even after a lot of time has passed, that freedom and peace haven’t come because I am still emotionally tied to that event and the people who created it.

This morning was no different. I was up again at 5:00 a.m., staring at the ceiling with the same  question circling in my chest:

How do I resolve this within myself so I can start to feel better?

I journaled. I meditated. I prayed. Still nothing.

So I decided to stop chasing answers and just swim.

I rolled the pool cover off the water was warmer than the air, letting a soft steam roll off the  surface…and I stepped in.

Something about this swim felt sacred. Like the world was giving me space to just be with what  was still unresolved.

While I swam, I kept asking, “How can I forgive this so I can move on?”

Lap after lap, I thought of everyone involved, trying to keep the highest good of all in mind.

Then, somewhere in all that effort to stay loving and take the high road, I gave myself permission  to be mad. No filter. Just the truth.

I called up all the wrongs and the abuse that had happened over the years.

All the things I did “right” to be supportive and loving. When I stayed calm instead of screaming  “What is wrong with you!”.

The “How could you’s” and the “Didn’t you see all the things I helped you with?” I just kept going… until I was done.

Before I knew it, I’d been in the water for 45 minutes. And then, when my mind had finally  softened and my body felt spent but alive, a voice came through— 

Not mine, but a clear and certain voice that says;

“It’s only money.”

I stopped. Just floated there. Let the words settle in.

It was only money. And no matter how unfair the situation had been, no matter how much I wished it could have gone another way,

I’m still here. I’m still whole. I’m still me. They cannot take that away, and really, they no longer  have the power to hurt me.

I caught myself responding to that voice in a snyde tone, “Well that’s just great. But how do I  actually heal the bitterness that’s still inside me?”

Forgiveness.

My go-to is always forgiveness. It just feels better. The alternative? A lingering resentment that is ruining my sleep.

Plus, I know having a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. It doesn’t work that way. We’re the ones who suffer when resentments are present.

So I think “I’ve suffered enough over this.”

That’s when something deeper clicked.

Forgiveness isn’t about saying what happened was okay. It’s not about forgetting.

It’s about letting go…for me.

When I put myself first, I’m open and willing to try it. Take ownership of my own feelings that  are causing me pain.

So instead of looking at the cause of this pain, I look inward.

I think I need to start with forgiving myself first:

Letting myself off the hook for what I couldn’t see coming. For what I couldn’t stop.

For not fighting harder, or walking away sooner, or trying to make peace with someone who  never wanted it in the first place.

Forgiveness, I’m realizing, is the choice to stop dragging this story forward.

It’s the moment I choose freedom over righteousness.

Not because the other person deserves it, but because I do.

That’s where I am today.

Not with a perfect bow tied on the situation.

But with more breath in my lungs. More clarity. And a little more space between me and the pain.

I will find a way to replace this money, not to “make it right,” but to keep moving forward with what matters most:

Being surrounded by people who truly love me: Ed, the kids, the grandkids, all of us together as  a family, with the support and connection we need to truly thrive.

It’s also about fulfilling a deeper dream: enriching the lives of Teddy and Kate, my two  developmentally disabled siblings, and as a bonus, living closer to my sister Carolyn, so we can  support one another in the ways that matter most.

And somehow, even with all that was taken, I know I’ll create something even greater.

The joy of overcoming this, of turning loss into legacy, of building something more beautiful  than I ever imagined…that’s what I’m moving toward.

Not just recovering what was lost…but rising into something far more powerful, purposeful, and free.

And now… I can finally see a way through, I am open, and I feel better.

Maybe I’ll even sleep ‘til 6 tomorrow.

If any part of you is holding on to something like this, something unresolved, something unfair,

You’re not alone.

And you don’t have to keep waiting for the other person to do the right thing before you allow  yourself to be free.

Your healing doesn’t need their participation. Mine didn’t either.

We get to let go when we’re ready.

Not because it’s over.

But because we’re ready to live free.